I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Randomize
