i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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