I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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