dude i'm inner monologue high
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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