sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
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he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
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I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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