Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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