You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
