I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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