Having a random hookup so left but love u
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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