Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
