You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
