We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
