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fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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