The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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