for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
