I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
