sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
well you can't waste a boner
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
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So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
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Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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