I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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