My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Randomize
