your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
