He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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