You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
