I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
There's a naked man in my car right now.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
