So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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