someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
