felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
