It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
