Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
