Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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