WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
