Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
