even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
