I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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