dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
