my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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