WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
