How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Randomize
