i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
In other news, I just burned my penis
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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