Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
