I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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