Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
