no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
