Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
we're making bets on your personal life
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
