Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
