Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
