Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
