I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
