She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
