i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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