dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
