Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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