SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
