I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Randomize
