Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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