To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
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I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
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Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
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