Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
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Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
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I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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